Keitaro's Traveling Inn
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Kietaro gets a monkey's paw and makes several thoughtless wishes...
1. Chapter 1

**Keitaro's Traveling Inn**

**Disclaimer:**** I own the rights to no anime franchise at this time.**

**Monkey's Paw wishes and ramen**

Keitaro opened the box and stared at what had been sent to him.

"What's wrong?" Naru asked seeing the befuddled look on his face.

"I'm not sure, but I may have offended the American Mafia in some way," he replied, reaching into the box and pulling out a mummified monkey's paw with only three fingers.

"That would be a horse's head in your bed," Mitsune said.

"A good luck charm?" he guessed hopefully.

"That's rabbit feet I think," Shinobu offered.

"I recall… almost recall anyway," Makoto offered, "Some tale involving a monkey's paw and wishes."

"Hey, Su," Mitsune asked. "Shouldn't you have asked if it was good to eat by now?"

Su made a face. "Monkeys are our cousins, it'd be like cannibalism."

"Wishes huh?" Keitaro said thoughtfully. "If that were true then I'd wish I wasn't so clumsy and that if I was it wouldn't lead to such disasters and explosions."

"That'd be a good wish," Motoko said approvingly, thinking it'd be nice to go a day without Keitaro ending up with his face in some other girl's… without Keitaro ending up with his face buried someplace embarrassing.

"Too bad wish granting items aren't real," Keitaro said with a wistful sigh.

"Then why did one of the fingers just move?" Naru asked in shock.

Everyone's eyes focused on the monkey's paw which had only two of its three fingers sticking up now.

Mitsune moved so quickly that even Motoko wasn't quick enough to see it as she snatched the paw from Keitaro and called out, "I wish I had a billion yen!"

"No!" Motoko yelled in horror a look of fear on her face.

Everyone froze but nothing happened.

"Fuck!" Mitsune cursed.

"Be grateful it did not work!" Motoko exclaimed. "Because I remember the story now and it is a tale of woe."

"What?!" came the chorus as Motoko pried the paw from Mitsune's grasp and set it on the table as if it were explosive.

"The tale of the Monkey's Paw came from a short story of American literature I read in class," the swordswoman explained. "The paw grants cursed wishes. A wish for money killed the main character's wife so he could collect on the life insurance and a wish for his wife back raised her as an undead thing!"

Everyone stared at the paw like it was a live scorpion.

"It could have been cursed because of greed," Shinobu offered. "Maybe only unselfish wishes are safe."

"Maybe, but that still doesn't explain why it didn't work for me," Kitsune said.

"It may only work for one person at a time," Motoko said, trying to remember.

"So, Kie-chan gets two more wishes?" Su asked.

"Most guys would wish for a harem," Kitsune offered trying to break the tension.

Keitaro opened his mouth to object when Naru launched him through the roof with a NaruPunch.

"I'm not sure whether that will make him wish for a harem out of spite or convince him that more girls just means more pain," Kitsune said in the sudden silence.

"I panicked!" Naru admitted. "But you know how perverted he is!" Naru was just getting into the swing of her rant on what a pervert Keitaro was and all the perverted things he'd done to her, when Keitaro returned, a little banged up but none the worse for wear. Naru didn't notice however and continued on as Keitaro picked up the paw and waited for her to finish. "He just can't be trusted!" she exclaimed before noticing everyone staring past her.

Keitaro stood there with a hurt look on his face. "I wish…"

Everyone froze waiting to see what he'd say.

"…to never have a perverted or lustful thought about Naru Narusegawa ever again," he finished. Setting the paw down everyone saw that two of its three fingers were now bent. "Now if you'll all excuse me, I landed in a pile of fiberglass, so I need to wash it off before it drives me insane," Keitaro said before rushing off.

"Oh, no," Mitsune said sadly.

Kanako and Haruka chose that moment to show up. "What's wrong?" Haruka asked as she saw the looks on everyone's faces.

"Where's onii-chan?" Kanako demanded.

"Keitaro got into a pile of fiberglass," Shinobu said, "he went to wash it off."

"And the long faces?" Haruka asked.

"Keitaro wished to never have a lustful or perverted though of Naru ever again," Su said when nobody else spoke up.

"So he was a little upset," Haruka waved it off, "he'll get over it."

"He used an actual wish," Motoko said pointing at the monkey's paw.

"That grants wishes?" Haruka asked doubtfully.

"It's curled a finger every time he's made a wish," Motoko said. "And does nothing when others try."

"We'll have to see if he can reverse it," Haruka said, figuring better safe than sorry considering all the magic they'd seen around the place since Keitaro had arrived.

"What was his first wish?" Haruka asked.

"To no longer have any perverted accidents," Su volunteered.

"That'll cut into you girls' fun," Haruka chuckled knowing for all their protests the girls really took great care not to prevent those 'accidents'.

"Actually he wished he wasn't so clumsy and that it wouldn't lead to so much trouble," Mitsune said suddenly, "meaning if no one made a big deal…"

Haruka chuckled at the way the girls perked up at that, ignoring the rain cloud that had formed over Naru's head.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Onii-chan," Kanako said, drawing Keitaro's attention from the heavy duty soap he was using to the nearly naked dark haired girl in his room with the flawless pale skin and surprisingly pink areolas.

He immediately sank down further in the barrel he was washing up in on his balcony, surprised he hadn't passed out in an explosion of nasal blood already. "Kanako!"

"You know soap isn't going to do the job. To remove fiberglass you need baby oil and a scraper," she explained, standing in a pair of black satin panties (that really should be called a singular 'pant' both because of their size and the effects on the viewer) holding a bottle of baby oil.

"I… um, brothers and sisters…" he mumbled, not wanting to encourage her crush on him as she was his little sister, even if a traitorous section of his brain was reminding him they were not blood related. Not that he really needed reminding as Kanako tended to mention it, sign holiday cards Kanako 'Not-blood-related-to-onii-chan Urashima, and in fact had once hired a sky writer to plaster it above the park he was flying a kite in.

Kanako slunk forward, sensing his resistance weakening, while gesturing to the Christmas Card she'd sent him that was still set out on the top of his dresser reading 'Happy Holidays and a very merry X-mas from Kanako your 'not blood related' sister', saying avoid the ho, ho, ho's you live with and send me some candy cane! "There's nothing wrong with a sister helping her brother with a medical problem."

"I'm naked," he pointed out having a hard time keeping his eyes on her face.

"You need to be to deal with this," she pointed out reasonably. "It's not like you're naked for kicks right now, there is a genuine need for you to be undressed."

"And y-you're kinda…"

"I didn't want to get my clothes covered in baby oil, but I'm not completely naked, see?" she gestured to the wafer thin postage stamp of material that hid none of her charms, which he'd noted was neatly trimmed.

"I s-suppose that would be alright…"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Where's Kanako?" Motoko suddenly said.

The girls looked around anxiously for a moment.

"She's probably visiting her brother, like a good sister should," Su said, causing the girls to freeze.

"I want to run upstairs but I find myself unable to move," Motoko said.

"Same here," Naru said.

"I'm fine," Shinobu said.

"I'm not frozen."

"Mitsune?" Haruka asked.

"Frozen, but that's by the thought that I don't want Kanako to kick my ass," she admitted.

"I can move," Haruka said, "but I don't think I should interfere in whatever they're doing. They're adults and it's their business."

"What did Kanako do to us?" Naru demanded.

"Nothing," Haruka replied. "She was with me the whole time and I know her tricks, besides she would have paralyzed everyone, not just you two."

"The wish!" Motoko exclaimed.

"What?!" Kitsune asked confused.

"His first wish was that if an accident couldn't be prevented then to prevent the trouble that followed," Motoko explained, figuring out how their being frozen could factor in to the wish he made.

"If Kanako is involved it won't be an accident!" Naru protested.

"And thus can't be prevented as one," Motoko explained, "and anyone who would cause trouble gets frozen in place!"

"So deliberately caused events are unaffected and no one can interfere?" Mitsune said thoughtfully, a sly little smirk appearing on her face.

Motoko relaxed and picked up her tea while Naru remained frozen. "I believe I'll sit this one out as it is clearly not Urashima's fault and regardless of what happens, I doubt he would forgive anyone who intentionally harmed his sister."

Naru remained frozen a scowl on her face.

"So Su can still greet Kei-kun like normal?" Su asked just to be sure.

Motoko opened her mouth to reply and paused in thought. Su always lead off with a kick to Keitaro's head, but for the last several months she'd always missed and ended up smashing his face into her crotch. Su was more than a little skilled and wouldn't make the same mistake that often…"I believe you can."

"Good!"

"Sooo…" Mitsune eventually said. "Anyone got any ideas on how to pass the time?"

"How long could he possibly be anyway?" Naru growled having apparently accepted the fact that Keitaro was probably being molested by his sister at that very moment!

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"I'll need your help to wash off all this baby oil," Kanako whispered into Keitaro's ear before leading him to the barrel he used to bathe.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**Perversion by: dogbertcarroll!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Keitaro's Travelling Inn 2**

"He's been up there quite a while," Motoko observed, as they sipped their tea waiting for his return.

"Kanako hasn't seen her onii-chan in a while," Haruka replied pulling out a cigarette. "I'd assume it'll take a while to calm her down."

"She was even more enthusiastic than normal to see me," Keitaro said, as he came down the stairs, unusually relaxed and with his hair still damp from washing up. "But she tired out rather quickly so I tucked her into my futon to rest."

"That's one way to cure her insomnia," Haruka smirked.

"Insomnia?" Keitaro asked. "But all you have to do is sit with her and run your fingers through her hair for a few minutes to put her to sleep."

"You're the only one she lets do that."

"Oh."

"But enough about that. Do you mind cancelling your last wish?"

"Why in the world would I want to do that?" Keitaro asked confused, as his feelings towards Naru had changed now that he wasn't the slightest bit attracted to her.

"Because you love her!" Mitsune burst out trying to help her friend.

"Love her?" Keitaro asked confused. "I can barely even tolerate her! She insults and assaults me constantly, at least now when she attacks me she'll have to admit it's because she was having perverted thoughts."

"You're the one who's the pervert!" Naru exclaimed trying to defend herself.

"They say everywhere a thief looks he sees thieves," Keitaro said dryly, "well at least now you can't claim I've stolen anything from you, because you no longer have anything I want."

Naru paled and looked like she was about to cry causing the girls to jump to her defense and plead/threaten/reason with him to change his mind.

"Forget it!" he snapped uncharacteristically firm. "You have no idea what it's like to be minding your own business when this girl trips and falls in front of you exposing herself and suddenly attacks you for her own thoughts and deeds while smearing your name. Do you recall what happened the first day I was here? I was enjoying a nice soak when she sexually assaults me and I got the blame!"

The girls tried once more, though with a lot less effort, to get him to change his mind, but he would not be moved. "Not a chance, without the constant assaults I may actually get some things done around here and not spend half my time walking back from different prefectures."

"Surely it's not that bad," Haruka said, having missed the majority of events running her tea shop.

"I wish you guys knew what it was like to travel…" his voice trailed off as he saw the panicked looks on their face, "without leaving home," he quickly added as he realized none of them could take one of Naru's punches without serious injury.

Everyone turned to look at the table where the monkey paw lay and breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of only two curled fingers.

"I gotta be holding it to make a wish," he reminded them with a relieved sigh.

"Traveling?" Su asked.

"Via NaruPunch, but then I realized none of you were likely to survive it, so I tried to modify it," he explained reaching for the paw.

"Thank you," Mitsune said earnestly.

He picked up the paw and the third finger curled closed.

"Then again it may just have to wait until you're touching it to grant it," Haruka said.

"Urashima, what have you done?" Motoko asked in horror.

"No idea," he said, as the paw crumbled into sand.

After a few minutes had passed with nothing happening everyone started to relax.

"I guess since you wished for them to know what it's like to travel without leaving home, they'll gain knowledge or memories of travel without actually going anywhere, probably when they next sleep," Haruka guessed.

"That does make sense," Motoko said. "Well, I believe we were indeed fortunate in the way these three wishes turned out."

"Looks like it," Keitaro agreed. "Well, I have work to do on the hot springs, so no one, and by that I mean you Narusegawa, should suddenly decide to strip down and enter and accuse me of peeping to cover for their secret exhibitionist tendencies."

"What about those of us with well-known exhibitionist tendencies?" Mitsune teased while Naru sat frozen.

"Feel free to come in as long as you don't interfere with my work," Keitaro replied with a wink before leaving.

Mitsune blushed under everyone's gaze. "What?" I've made no secret that I kinda like him, I just stood aside for Naru, but that idea's been torpedoed and set on fire."

"I don't like that pervert!" Naru protested.

"Come on, Shinobu," Su said, grabbing her arm. "A good hot soak sounds like fun!"

Naru turned to look at Motoko. "Not going to soak?" she asked bitterly, as Su drug off a red faced Shinobu.

"Don't blame me for the consequences of your own actions," Motoko replied. "Everyone stood aside for you, because you're our friend, but the most you can hope for now is his friendship and you'll have to work hard for that. Don't begrudge us our chance at happiness when we did all we could to help you with yours."

Naru banged her head against the table feeling about two inches tall. "I'm sorry," Naru said softly not looking up. "I just never expected it to end this way."

"I don't see how you could have," Motoko agreed, accepting her friend's apology.

"Do you really think I can earn his friendship?"

"He doesn't know how to hold grudges very well," Haruka encouraged her.

"Apparently I gave him lessons," Naru said sadly.

"He'll get over it," Haruka encouraged her. "If you act like a friend he'll treat you like one. Learn to be his friend and he'll be yours."

"I myself was quite rough on him in the beginning," Motoko admitted. "But I have… mellowed somewhat, and he has gone out of his way to prove himself a stalwart friend."

"Aren't you still attacking him several times a day?" Haruka asked.

"Several times a day he manages to shred my breast bindings or bury his face or hands on my person," Motoko pointed out. "And while I do react, I always use the same technique and announce it loudly, so he can brace himself and pick himself up a few moments later with no real damage."

"So why aren't you at the springs with the others?" Naru asked curiously.

"I plan on finishing my tea first and making sure my friend Naru is alright, before offering to help him with his work," Motoko said.

"Thank you," Naru said fondly, genuinely feeling better about things.

"Friends help one another," Motoko replied.

"If this gets any more sweet I'm going to get a cavity," Haruka said with a chuckle. "So I better get down to my tea house for the lunch rush."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"So what are you doing?" Mitsune asked, water barely up to her nipples as she leaned back and watched Keitaro work.

"I," he replied with a grin and a comically exaggerated leer at her exposed assets, "am putting in a circuit breaker box to fix the power to both sides." Keitaro returned to examining the wall separating the men and women's sides, making marks with a blue chalk pencil.

"Ohh," Mitsune said wide eyed. "With the outlets working we could sing karaoke out here!"

"Or have a fridge out her for cold drinks, perhaps a wetbar," he suggested.

"Sounds like a dream come true," she moaned, "but how will we pay for all of that?"

Keitaro smiled at her inclusion of herself in the 'we'. "If we get everything fixed up, we could rent some rooms for family vacations. Turning this place into an inn again is out of the question until we've all graduated, but making it an exclusive bed and breakfast for select people means we can not only pay for the upgrades and repairs, but we get to enjoy them as well."

"Sitting Bull!" Su yelled before jumping in the furo.

"H-hi sempai," Shinobu said shyly as she entered the water in a blue one piece swimsuit.

Keitaro stiffened staring at the wall in front of him. "Oh my, Shinobu, you're an exhibitionist too!?" he teased.

"Eeep!" she turned bright red. "N-no sempai, I'm wearing a swimsuit, see?"

"Ah but that's exactly what an exhibitionist would say to get poor innocent me to turn around and see her breasts!" he stated.

"No, I really am!" she protested.

"You won't trick me that easily! I shall not look over and let you expose your tender young charms to me. Ever vigilant I shall keep facing that wall."

Mitsune giggled.

"Please tell him I have a swim suit on," Shinobu begged not wanting Keitaro to think she was immodest.

"She's wearing a blue swimsuit, not even a bikini," Mitsune promised as Su came up for air and stood behind Shinobu.

"Ok, I'll look," he said slowly turning around.

Su grabbed Shinobu's shoulder straps and yanked them down.

***THUD***

"And down he goes," Su said proudly.

"SU!" Shinobu exclaimed wide eyed and blushing as she yanked her top back up.

Mitsune laughed so hard she went underwater and came up sputtering a moment later.

Motoko, who'd arrived just in time to catch the scene had to force herself not to laugh, the knowledge that it wasn't Keitaro's fault and the magic wouldn't let her punish him for it anyway, making it hard not to cover her amusement.

"Wow!" Su exclaimed. "Shinobu's mark ones are better than Su's mecha Tama mark sevens for taking down Keitaros!"

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Keitaro's Travelling Inn 3**

Motoko, unlike the others, was dressed in a white gi and carrying her sword, but she also had a tool belt on. Using a rag she wiped the blood from beneath his nose and soaked the rag in the water before leaning over him and placing it on his forehead.

Waking with a start he immediately sat up his face burying itself in Motoko's gi. "Um," he said after a moment when no violence seemed forthcoming.

"Yes?"

"No chest bindings?"

"I plan on soaking in the springs after, so I decided to forgo them for the moment."

"I see," Keitaro said.

"Feel too from that distance," Motoko said, causing Keitaro to finally pull his head out from between her breasts.

"Sorry."

"Accidents happen," Motoko said, easily forcing down her blush and pulling the rag from between her breasts. "Do you need a hand?"

"I do need to caulk some cracks," he said thoughtfully, searching his tool box for the caulking guns.

Motoko blushed bright red until she saw the caulking guns and barely resisted face faulting.

"We need to make sure everything is nice and tight," he said. "If you find a hole, fill it up with caulk."

Motoko accepted the caulking gun and noticed the grin he was trying to hide, "Aha, you were doing it on purpose!"

Everyone burst out laughing.

"I couldn't help it," he said. "It's all perfectly clean, but it sounds so wrong."

"Only if you have a dirty mind," she said primly, before reddening as she realized what she'd just admitted.

"You start on that side and I'll start on this side," he said, being nice and pretending she hadn't said anything. "When in doubt, seal it, because while a little moisture isn't a big problem, the less the better, and thanks for the help."

"It's no problem," she said heading for the other side of the furo.

Mitsune floated over to where Motoko was working. "You work quickly."

"I don't see any grass growing under your feet," Motoko replied. "I… enjoy spending time around him and admit I would enjoy teaching him some kendo in private."

"Really?" she purred.

Motoko rolled her eyes. "I actually mean teaching him kendo. You can learn a lot about a person when you teach them something."

"No rush to the prize?" Kitsune asked.

"Rushing and arguments… have not turned out well for us. I believe I will take my time and allow things to develop as they may, after all his friendship is to be valued as well," she said thoughtfully. "Not to mention my relationship with everyone else."

"Yeah," Kitsune said considering the wisdom in her words.

"Sorry about flashing you sempai," Shinobu apologized, red faced.

"I know you didn't do it on purpose," Keitaro said, giving her a smile to let her know it was alright.

"How come Shinobu's breasts took you out while mine and Kitsune's haven't even made you twitch," Su asked curiously.

"Because I expected to see you both naked, while Shinobu's breasts were a complete surprise that I wasn't braced for."

"Unexpected breasts are more effective?" Su asked.

"Exactly," he replied absently examining a crack in the wall before sealing it. "The context of the breast is important."

"Oh," Su said, her mind contemplating various ways to change the context of the breasts and calculating the possible mathematical formulas you could derive from a few surprise breast experiments.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"I thought you were going to handle the lunch rush?" Naru asked Haruka, as she returned white faced.

"We have a problem," Haruka replied.

"What happened!?" Naru demanded, concerned as she sat her down and poured her a cup of tea.

"I… I think I need a witness, so I know I'm not going nuts," Haruka said downing her cup of tea.

"Can I get a hint?" Naru asked, as Haruka stood back up and grabbed her hand.

"I saw it and I don't believe it, and saying it out loud is going to make me sound insane," Haruka said, leading her outside.

"OK, is it bigger than a breadbox?" Naru asked.

"Look!" Haruka ordered.

Naru looked where she was pointing and just stared.

"Please tell me what you see," Haruka said. "Am I insane or is the world?"

"This is not Tokyo," Naru said as they stared at a ruined metropolis, as if man had just left one day, dropped everything and walked out leaving the city to fall apart over the next couple of centuries.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


End file.
